Thursday, October 7, 2010

normal life

I have gone back to school in Ruidoso, and I am kinda making new friends, and so far no drama. So that is a good thing. I think I'm having fun, but I also very busy at the house. Mom sometimes gets temperamental, which means a little upset. I miss Chase, because it would be like this, the 3 of us would get home, with mom holding Chase, and then the three of us would take turns hold him. But just because he is not here at the moment, doesn't mean he is gone forever. I tell everyone that there are seven people in my family, my mom my dad Chase, Karly, the baby, me and Reese. If someone asks me about Chase, I tell them about him. Like when I told this 3rd grader that brothers and sisters may be a pain, but the pain of losing a brother or sister is worse, much worse, and it is so confusing, it makes you feel like you are lost in a corn maze all alone, and no way of getting out, like the world surronded you, asking you if you are ok after falling down.   It is like after you get up, you still hurt, but you don't act like it, even after a big fall. Like one mean girl in my class said, "so did your brother die or something?" and I lied and said no. I regret doing that, but soon after she left me alone, I weeped and weeped into my locker. Have you ever heard the saying "Try to walk a mile in someone elses shoes. What that means is you don't know what has happened in someone elses life, without it happening to yourself, which is very rare. I lied to her because she wouldn't understand me, she would probobly say "Oh" instead of "Oh, I'm sorry about that" like my other friends, who care about me. I don't know how to end this, but all I have to say is, "Chase your dreams"

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I'm Back!

Hello again! I have really been skipping out on blogging and I wanted to start up again. As I hope you have heard, my mom is going to have a little baby boy!:) I'm so excited! I can't wait, but it is so hard to say I have mixed feeling about this baby, and I don't mean that in a bad way. I really, really wish Chase was here right now, but if he was here, the baby wouldn't exist. I don't want that, but I grieve and grieve about Chase not being here. I miss Chase so much, and I wish he was here right now, sitting in my mom's lap, asleep. Chase is such a memory, and I'm afraid that we might forget him someday, but my mom says that will never happen. I have written poems, songs and even sayings about him. He is so important to me, and I will never personally forget him. I have been so busy to really do anything, but I accidentally opened up a folder of my mom's something like "It will always be a mystery to me" and there are so many mysteries in this world that I can't count them. I always wonder where Chase is, playing with other angels in heaven, or even watching us. I guess that is one of the mysteries we will never find out.