New Life

Hey guys, I'm back! If you follow my Mom's blog, you would know that I have a new baby brother, Owen Chase Pearson. He can make me laugh and cry, and he is cute even when he is mad. I love him and I thank Chase that he is here everyday with me. So, a few nights ago, I had a dream. It started out like this; we were in this star ship thing and we were going to crash land somewhere on Earth. When my family and I got out,(and no, Owen wasn't there) we started to walk around. We were in a building and there were bubblegum rappers and toys all around. We got out of the building and it didn't look like anything I had ever seen. It was all robotic and it was empty. So we started walking until we reached the next town and it was filled with people. We went into a building which turned out to be a hospital, then we started toward the back of the building. In the back, which by the way was a huge dandelion field, was empty, except for a glass box on a stand. I started to look in the box, and suddenly stopped. It was a body. Not just any body, Chase's body. Chase. My heart started pounding and I cried with tears of joy. He was alive. Laughing and smiling, just like Owen. There was one chord, and that chord helped him breathe. Other than that, he was free of any horrible equipment. However, the one chord was so fragile. I never got to hold him, like in my Mom's dreams. Just then though, after I was so happy, Reese started pulling on the chord, I was telling him to stop. He said he was just playing, and I was screaming for him to stop. He gave it one last tug, and in under a second, Chase withered to dust. I screamed and yelled and cried. I couldn't believe it, he was gone. My dream the soon ended. I woke up sweaty and crying. NO. I wouldn't believe it. Reese would never do such a thing. Reese is soooo much different then in that dream. Today, I looked at Chase's picture more closely than I usually do, and I noticed a cut in his hair. It was red and kind of bloody, I started to cry. He looked horrible. Swollen, cuts all over him, messed up hair. I had never thought of him like that. To me, he was some kind of angel, helping me with all my troubles. I thought of him like he had the thrown next to Jesus. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that he was my little brother, in heaven, as an angel. It's hard without Chase, but I don't think I could live without precious little Owen either

confused

Sometimes you feel scared, alone, or maybe like you want you want to go hide in a corner and pout. Well, I am not honestly perfect, so I feel like that a lot. It so hard for me to live my life out regretting it. I have to live every moment without Chase, and I have not yet had a bizarre dream like my mom's. I pray every night that I do, but I just don't. My teacher always says, "The world already has horribleness, don't add any more." Not that this has anything to do with that, but it sometimes makes me feel better anyways. She is just a blessing to me and I am so lucky to have her. Sometimes people look in my locker and ask me, "who are you holding in that picture?" and I answer, "That is my brother, Chase." and they move on. They probably don't know what it is like to loose someone near them. They don't no what to say to the person with a loss, because they haven't discovered the grief of loss. And that's ok, because they can't sit there and cry with you, because they have not gone thru a loss. I accept that, they don't have any idea on what to do or say. Chase is so important to me. I would do anything to see him again as a baby. IT IS HARD. Now no, I don't know what it is like to loose a child as a mom. But it is still hard. I don't know whether to feel happy, sad, scared, or maybe even mad. It is so confusing! I know it is hard, but I have to remember one thing, to Chase My Dreams

normal life

I have gone back to school in Ruidoso, and I am kinda making new friends, and so far no drama. So that is a good thing. I think I'm having fun, but I also very busy at the house. Mom sometimes gets temperamental, which means a little upset. I miss Chase, because it would be like this, the 3 of us would get home, with mom holding Chase, and then the three of us would take turns hold him. But just because he is not here at the moment, doesn't mean he is gone forever. I tell everyone that there are seven people in my family, my mom my dad Chase, Karly, the baby, me and Reese. If someone asks me about Chase, I tell them about him. Like when I told this 3rd grader that brothers and sisters may be a pain, but the pain of losing a brother or sister is worse, much worse, and it is so confusing, it makes you feel like you are lost in a corn maze all alone, and no way of getting out, like the world surronded you, asking you if you are ok after falling down.   It is like after you get up, you still hurt, but you don't act like it, even after a big fall. Like one mean girl in my class said, "so did your brother die or something?" and I lied and said no. I regret doing that, but soon after she left me alone, I weeped and weeped into my locker. Have you ever heard the saying "Try to walk a mile in someone elses shoes. What that means is you don't know what has happened in someone elses life, without it happening to yourself, which is very rare. I lied to her because she wouldn't understand me, she would probobly say "Oh" instead of "Oh, I'm sorry about that" like my other friends, who care about me. I don't know how to end this, but all I have to say is, "Chase your dreams"

I'm Back!

Hello again! I have really been skipping out on blogging and I wanted to start up again. As I hope you have heard, my mom is going to have a little baby boy!:) I'm so excited! I can't wait, but it is so hard to say I have mixed feeling about this baby, and I don't mean that in a bad way. I really, really wish Chase was here right now, but if he was here, the baby wouldn't exist. I don't want that, but I grieve and grieve about Chase not being here. I miss Chase so much, and I wish he was here right now, sitting in my mom's lap, asleep. Chase is such a memory, and I'm afraid that we might forget him someday, but my mom says that will never happen. I have written poems, songs and even sayings about him. He is so important to me, and I will never personally forget him. I have been so busy to really do anything, but I accidentally opened up a folder of my mom's something like "It will always be a mystery to me" and there are so many mysteries in this world that I can't count them. I always wonder where Chase is, playing with other angels in heaven, or even watching us. I guess that is one of the mysteries we will never find out.

Boulder Boulder

I know I haven't 'written a while, but I had a very, very long visit. First, we went to my mom's sister's house. We ran the bolderboulder, and boy was that hard. The worst part was that my cousin Sam (blond older looking kid in picture on top) didn't tell me that I was supposed to stretch until the race was over, so I was stuck having my legs sore for the rest of the visit. Then, after a week at my aunt's house, we went to my cousin's house, (the cousin's in the picture obove) for two weeks. We played like crazy!! But the few last days we were there, we started to get a little homesick. We missed our dad and our pets, (our dad went home two weeks earlier) so we started heading home. For the first part of our drive, we were ok, drove for 5 hours and then stopped at our aunt's house again to stay the night so the next day we could drive 10 more hours to get home. My aunt Meg has two children. One two years old and the other one month old. The two year old's name is Gracie. She follows like her dad, the comedian of the family. She is as funny as two year old come! And the month old baby's name is Beckum. Beck is sooo tiny. He's tinier than Chase was. When I got to hold Beckum. He didn't remind me of Chase that much, but I knew Chase sent him to earth safely. My mom and I thought the same thing. That's when I knew I have my own personal gardian angel watching over me.

Christmas

Christmas is only seven days away right now and I can't wait until Jesus"s birthday. I am going to have fun with my family and friends but we will miss someone, someone so important to our family, Chase. This would be his very first Christmas, and I know my family will be a little sad. Nobody really knows what I mean sometimes but I am going to miss him more than I ever had. My family and I put up a tree just for Chase that was little but it meant a lot to us. It had some ornaments from the nurses in the hospital in Albuquerque that had taken care of Chase and pictures of Chase. But out of all the ornaments, my favorite happened to be a little sleeping angel that was a little baby boy wrapped around a little candle. It made me smile whenever I looked at it. That angel reminded me a lot about Chase. I miss him so much and Christmas will be so hard without him.

As the days go by

Today the wind has really been gusty. My dad even made me stay inside just because of it. Of course now I know why he made me stay inside because a huge dead tree fell down right in front of our neighbors drive way. But he has two drive ways so he will be all right. The wind might be yucky but I think of it as Chase blowing me kisses. It sometimes makes me a little bit sadder. I know the wind brings everybody's mood to a crappy feeling but I think it is better to try to make memories than crappy feelings. I miss Chase so very much and it is so easy to think of Chase as a beautiful angel up in Heaven. I think my life has changed since then in good and bad ways. Days have gone by so very fast and I miss when I got to see and hold Chase. If I could hold Chase one more time and say one more thing for him to here, all I would say is, "Hey buddy, it's your big sis and I love you so much and I never, ever wanted you to go."Even though I would be crying my heart out I would mean it with all of my heart. Even though it might be hard to tell people who you are, don't be the one who gets lost in the crowd, let people know who you are, tell them how many people are in your family, even the ones who aren't here on earth. That's what I do, and it makes me feel good. But don't forget, make yourself comfortable. Do what makes you feel good. If you do what usually makes you happy, it'll make you feel good. Chase is my youngest brother and I am not going to forget him no matter what. I love him.