make a wish: http://www.real-wishes.com

this is a website that I found helpful. Maybe you should try it sometime

Change

Hello again! I am so bad at keeping things consistent! Anyway, I felt like writing at the moment, so here I am. I have started school in a new place. We have moved to Colorado, and it feels, different. We used to be so far away from so many things, where now there is no "nowhere". I was a little unsure right before we moved, because Karly, Reese, Owen and Chase were all born in New Mexico. When we visited New Mexico for a day, we had to sleep at our old house. I was disgusted. I didn't really understand how good we have it at our house right now. I just couldn't believe that our old house was so, old. Anyway, I just haven't appreciated how good we have it. Owen is starting to get on my nerves, but hey, that's what little brothers are for. I just wished Chase was here to annoy me. I miss that, but Reese does not hesitate to fill in. Fall has come to soon, and it is freezing. Sometimes, you are so caught up with life, that you don't even think about slowing down and taking a breath. Sometimes, you may always want the best, and will never stop wanting the next thing. I know I do that all the time. The last few days, I have tried to slow down, and to take a break, and being thankful for the little things in my life that a lot of other people don't have. I can't believe how fortunate I am. Thanksgiving is coming up in a few weeks, and I really want to appreciate the things I just expect. I am taking the gratitude challenge. It is a 21 day challenge challenging you to be grateful for the little things. YOu can find it on Facebook, as far as I've heard. I challenge you to do the gratitude challenge.

New Life

Hey guys, I'm back! If you follow my Mom's blog, you would know that I have a new baby brother, Owen Chase Pearson. He can make me laugh and cry, and he is cute even when he is mad. I love him and I thank Chase that he is here everyday with me. So, a few nights ago, I had a dream. It started out like this; we were in this star ship thing and we were going to crash land somewhere on Earth. When my family and I got out,(and no, Owen wasn't there) we started to walk around. We were in a building and there were bubblegum rappers and toys all around. We got out of the building and it didn't look like anything I had ever seen. It was all robotic and it was empty. So we started walking until we reached the next town and it was filled with people. We went into a building which turned out to be a hospital, then we started toward the back of the building. In the back, which by the way was a huge dandelion field, was empty, except for a glass box on a stand. I started to look in the box, and suddenly stopped. It was a body. Not just any body, Chase's body. Chase. My heart started pounding and I cried with tears of joy. He was alive. Laughing and smiling, just like Owen. There was one chord, and that chord helped him breathe. Other than that, he was free of any horrible equipment. However, the one chord was so fragile. I never got to hold him, like in my Mom's dreams. Just then though, after I was so happy, Reese started pulling on the chord, I was telling him to stop. He said he was just playing, and I was screaming for him to stop. He gave it one last tug, and in under a second, Chase withered to dust. I screamed and yelled and cried. I couldn't believe it, he was gone. My dream the soon ended. I woke up sweaty and crying. NO. I wouldn't believe it. Reese would never do such a thing. Reese is soooo much different then in that dream. Today, I looked at Chase's picture more closely than I usually do, and I noticed a cut in his hair. It was red and kind of bloody, I started to cry. He looked horrible. Swollen, cuts all over him, messed up hair. I had never thought of him like that. To me, he was some kind of angel, helping me with all my troubles. I thought of him like he had the thrown next to Jesus. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that he was my little brother, in heaven, as an angel. It's hard without Chase, but I don't think I could live without precious little Owen either

confused

Sometimes you feel scared, alone, or maybe like you want you want to go hide in a corner and pout. Well, I am not honestly perfect, so I feel like that a lot. It so hard for me to live my life out regretting it. I have to live every moment without Chase, and I have not yet had a bizarre dream like my mom's. I pray every night that I do, but I just don't. My teacher always says, "The world already has horribleness, don't add any more." Not that this has anything to do with that, but it sometimes makes me feel better anyways. She is just a blessing to me and I am so lucky to have her. Sometimes people look in my locker and ask me, "who are you holding in that picture?" and I answer, "That is my brother, Chase." and they move on. They probably don't know what it is like to loose someone near them. They don't no what to say to the person with a loss, because they haven't discovered the grief of loss. And that's ok, because they can't sit there and cry with you, because they have not gone thru a loss. I accept that, they don't have any idea on what to do or say. Chase is so important to me. I would do anything to see him again as a baby. IT IS HARD. Now no, I don't know what it is like to loose a child as a mom. But it is still hard. I don't know whether to feel happy, sad, scared, or maybe even mad. It is so confusing! I know it is hard, but I have to remember one thing, to Chase My Dreams

normal life

I have gone back to school in Ruidoso, and I am kinda making new friends, and so far no drama. So that is a good thing. I think I'm having fun, but I also very busy at the house. Mom sometimes gets temperamental, which means a little upset. I miss Chase, because it would be like this, the 3 of us would get home, with mom holding Chase, and then the three of us would take turns hold him. But just because he is not here at the moment, doesn't mean he is gone forever. I tell everyone that there are seven people in my family, my mom my dad Chase, Karly, the baby, me and Reese. If someone asks me about Chase, I tell them about him. Like when I told this 3rd grader that brothers and sisters may be a pain, but the pain of losing a brother or sister is worse, much worse, and it is so confusing, it makes you feel like you are lost in a corn maze all alone, and no way of getting out, like the world surronded you, asking you if you are ok after falling down.   It is like after you get up, you still hurt, but you don't act like it, even after a big fall. Like one mean girl in my class said, "so did your brother die or something?" and I lied and said no. I regret doing that, but soon after she left me alone, I weeped and weeped into my locker. Have you ever heard the saying "Try to walk a mile in someone elses shoes. What that means is you don't know what has happened in someone elses life, without it happening to yourself, which is very rare. I lied to her because she wouldn't understand me, she would probobly say "Oh" instead of "Oh, I'm sorry about that" like my other friends, who care about me. I don't know how to end this, but all I have to say is, "Chase your dreams"

I'm Back!

Hello again! I have really been skipping out on blogging and I wanted to start up again. As I hope you have heard, my mom is going to have a little baby boy!:) I'm so excited! I can't wait, but it is so hard to say I have mixed feeling about this baby, and I don't mean that in a bad way. I really, really wish Chase was here right now, but if he was here, the baby wouldn't exist. I don't want that, but I grieve and grieve about Chase not being here. I miss Chase so much, and I wish he was here right now, sitting in my mom's lap, asleep. Chase is such a memory, and I'm afraid that we might forget him someday, but my mom says that will never happen. I have written poems, songs and even sayings about him. He is so important to me, and I will never personally forget him. I have been so busy to really do anything, but I accidentally opened up a folder of my mom's something like "It will always be a mystery to me" and there are so many mysteries in this world that I can't count them. I always wonder where Chase is, playing with other angels in heaven, or even watching us. I guess that is one of the mysteries we will never find out.

Boulder Boulder

I know I haven't 'written a while, but I had a very, very long visit. First, we went to my mom's sister's house. We ran the bolderboulder, and boy was that hard. The worst part was that my cousin Sam (blond older looking kid in picture on top) didn't tell me that I was supposed to stretch until the race was over, so I was stuck having my legs sore for the rest of the visit. Then, after a week at my aunt's house, we went to my cousin's house, (the cousin's in the picture obove) for two weeks. We played like crazy!! But the few last days we were there, we started to get a little homesick. We missed our dad and our pets, (our dad went home two weeks earlier) so we started heading home. For the first part of our drive, we were ok, drove for 5 hours and then stopped at our aunt's house again to stay the night so the next day we could drive 10 more hours to get home. My aunt Meg has two children. One two years old and the other one month old. The two year old's name is Gracie. She follows like her dad, the comedian of the family. She is as funny as two year old come! And the month old baby's name is Beckum. Beck is sooo tiny. He's tinier than Chase was. When I got to hold Beckum. He didn't remind me of Chase that much, but I knew Chase sent him to earth safely. My mom and I thought the same thing. That's when I knew I have my own personal gardian angel watching over me.

Christmas

Christmas is only seven days away right now and I can't wait until Jesus"s birthday. I am going to have fun with my family and friends but we will miss someone, someone so important to our family, Chase. This would be his very first Christmas, and I know my family will be a little sad. Nobody really knows what I mean sometimes but I am going to miss him more than I ever had. My family and I put up a tree just for Chase that was little but it meant a lot to us. It had some ornaments from the nurses in the hospital in Albuquerque that had taken care of Chase and pictures of Chase. But out of all the ornaments, my favorite happened to be a little sleeping angel that was a little baby boy wrapped around a little candle. It made me smile whenever I looked at it. That angel reminded me a lot about Chase. I miss him so much and Christmas will be so hard without him.

As the days go by

Today the wind has really been gusty. My dad even made me stay inside just because of it. Of course now I know why he made me stay inside because a huge dead tree fell down right in front of our neighbors drive way. But he has two drive ways so he will be all right. The wind might be yucky but I think of it as Chase blowing me kisses. It sometimes makes me a little bit sadder. I know the wind brings everybody's mood to a crappy feeling but I think it is better to try to make memories than crappy feelings. I miss Chase so very much and it is so easy to think of Chase as a beautiful angel up in Heaven. I think my life has changed since then in good and bad ways. Days have gone by so very fast and I miss when I got to see and hold Chase. If I could hold Chase one more time and say one more thing for him to here, all I would say is, "Hey buddy, it's your big sis and I love you so much and I never, ever wanted you to go."Even though I would be crying my heart out I would mean it with all of my heart. Even though it might be hard to tell people who you are, don't be the one who gets lost in the crowd, let people know who you are, tell them how many people are in your family, even the ones who aren't here on earth. That's what I do, and it makes me feel good. But don't forget, make yourself comfortable. Do what makes you feel good. If you do what usually makes you happy, it'll make you feel good. Chase is my youngest brother and I am not going to forget him no matter what. I love him.

Fun and sadness at the same time

Over the last few weeks all I have done is play, well, recess and after school. I haven't wrote on my blog either, though I have made some friends. I signed up for some consoling at school and the four other kids in my group have all had someone taken away from them, and they feel the same pain that I do. I was surprised that the new friend of mine was in there too. of course, there was an old friend of mine who was in there. But when Hanna, (my new friend) told her story and why she was in the room with us, I didn't just feel sad for her, I felt that we had experienced the same thing, and at that same exact moment I felt like I was in the hospital again, holding Chase, crying my heart out, trying to tell him how much I loved him and telling him that I didn't want him to go, and when I finally snapped back to where I actually was, I somehow felt better, I didn't know how I could be happy at all when I lost my very own baby brother. I think it was that I just then felt that since Hanna had experienced the almost same thing, I thought that maybe we would have a longer friendship than I thought we would. Like when I use to go on the playground my thought would be "Oh, now what is going to happen today?" "Fight, or getting along?" But now, my only thought when I play with Hanna and her friends is, "Oh, what kind of fun are we going to have today?!"

A Busy Yet Fast Day

This morning I woke up feeling sort of dizzy, you know, the one that you get on Mondays, well, anyway, I always get them, just on Monday though. After I got ready for school and was on the road, I felt tired, and that was sometimes normal but not today. By the time I got to school that tiredness had disapeared. I was so excited I got to finish raking the yard and that I had bought something online, I was just so excited! I thought math was going to be boring, but it turned out to be a little fun, even though I had to be partnered with a boy for games, it was pretty fun. Now reading bored me alot, we didn't even get to do the play I wrote. After school I went to swim and I expected for that to be really hard but she actually made it really easy. Swim went pretty fast and when I got home I was exhausted. I thought about laying down, but that is just wasting time and I had homework. Right now I am about to go lay down and go to sleep so I can forget that busy yet fast day.

I miss him

Today was Chase's sixth month birthday, it was kind of hard though, I thought of him all day. One thing came down to feeling sorry for Reese. I thought, Poor Reese, he never got to really say that he had a brother on earth and now he is a big brother. We all got a chance to smile and be proud of ourselves, we all got to hold Chase and Karly got to hold Reese and I did too, and then I got to hold Karly. But Reese didn't get to hold Chase, he got to hold Chase's little finger and tell him to keep fighting, and I think that when Chase heard Reese say that he was happy, he knew his older brother really loved him. Sometimes when I am sad or I miss Chase, I hold the blanket that he had over him, or I read the book my mom made for me from Chase, and I even listen to the song I sang at his funeral. That is all I have to do to think of him even though I don't have to have that stuff to think of him those things help me sometimes. If I was talking to him right now all I want him to know is, "I love you Chase."

To much for one week!!

Today is the last week day of this week and my mom said I should stay home just so I won't get sick again. Even though I will have a seven day weekend, I think I will only have a three day weekend, you know, because the other four days I was sick. Well anyway, it has been a hard week, I even found out that my little cousin had a birthday yesterday, (the one in the blue butterfly suit in the main picture at the top) but one of the most important things that I learned while I was sick was that there are more than one hundred more cases of little parts of the swine flu in the hospital!! Yes, they're not at home like I was, they are in the hospital. I am very happy and lucky that I was not sent to the hospital. Oh, and I think that was just in New Mexico. I got a fever that went to one hundred four or five! But don't worry, it's back down to the normal temp.. But that was a challenging week, don't you think?

Sadness

Just a couple days ago I was reading my mom's blog and what I really noticed is that she really loves my baby brother Chase. I had noticed she loved him the day he was born but I never really thought of it like this. My mom loves all four of us it's just that she never had to loose the three of us until Chase had passed away. It was very hard to believe it and I had never missed anybody more than I have missed Chase. I have had a different expirence than most other girls and some people would say that their brother or sister are a mess but losing them is so very hard to deal with, they are the people who make you who you are. And no matter what anybody says, I will love my brothers and sister.

Today was an un-ordinary day

Today was an un-ordinary day, for the first time this year, I got sick. It wasn't very pleasant though, beacause first I had a little headache, that turned out to be a big fever. Here's how it happened, I had a little headache to start out with, and then about 20 minutes later it got worse, of course, during math. I don't know what it is, it's either I don't like math or I just wasn't feeling very good. My friend was the one who ended up persuading me to tell the teacher that I had a headache, and by the time I told her my head was feeling worse. She said my head didn't feel warm but she sent me to the nurse anyway. When I got to the nurse she said my temperture was rising so she called my mom and dad but neither of them answered so I just had to lay there. Finally my dad called the nurse back and said he would pick me up. When we got home I had to lay down, of course. I feel a little better now but my dad won't let me go outside. What a horrable day, don't you think?

Everyday Life

Living ordinary every day life is what my life is sometimes about except that I lost something very important, something valuable and special, I lost my baby brother. Life has been very hard and I can't forget him, and I hope I never will. I go to school like any other girl does, I do a sport like every girl does, but I lost a brother like nobody has, when I lost him I didn't just loose a brother, it felt like I had just lost a peace of my heart. My family has had some very hard times since then, including me. But even though I have felt the loss of a baby brother thinking of him makes me smile. Sometimes thinking of him makes me think, " Chase had fought so hard just to see me and I should make him happy by doing good in school and in swimming." and that is what makes me do in school and that is what makes me kick harder in swimming.